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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.